Accepting the Reality of Infant and Toddler Sleep

Imagine if we, as a society accepted normal infant and toddler sleep. 

I mean really accepted it, in all its glory. 

Every part of society, from every generation, every family, every profession, every community, every culture, every religion.
What if we knew and accepted it as expected and respected elements of a child’s development? 

What if everybody knew well before having their own children that their child would need night time parenting for the first few years of life? 

If everybody knew that waking frequently to nurse was the biologically normal way for an infant/ toddler human to sleep? 

If everybody knew that we are in fact ‘carry mammals’ and that our young require near-constant contact with a caregiver for the first few months to continue their growth and development outside of the womb? 

If everybody knew that a baby’s and toddler’s sleep can fluctuate a lot over the first couple of years as they grow and develop at a phenomenal rate? 

If everybody recognised that a baby’s and toddler’s need for comfort, closeness and nurturing at night is just as valid and important as their need for these things during the day? 

What if nobody doubted the value of night time parenting and wouldn’t for a moment consider that they could trade it off so they could be a ‘better’ parent by day? 

We, as a society, would come at infant and toddler sleep from a whole other place than we do right now.

There’d be no sleep training and therefore no sleep training industry.

There would be less focus on the baby and their behaviour and more focus on the dyad as a dynamic pair and nurturing the nurturer.

There would be a focus on all levels from family right through to the political sphere on the kinds of support families need to navigate this time in their lives.

Antenatal classes and Mums and Bubs groups would be all about helping mothers to build their support network and discovering options that will allow them to meet their baby’s needs while also meeting their own.

For parents who are struggling with intense high needs babies, the support would recognise the extra level of a challenge these parents face as they run the Ultra Marathon of their life and help put the supports in place those parents need and deserve.

Mothers with mental health concerns would be nurtured and treated in ways that respect her child’s legitimate needs day and night.

Families making decisions about paid employment would do so with the full knowledge that their baby will still require nighttime parenting.

Wouldn’t the world look so different from the way it does right now?

The stress, strain, struggle and sacrifices made all because so few people know and recognise what has always been and always will be the way our tiniest most vulnerable humans find sleep normally.

I was told that new and expecting mothers don’t want to know that babies continue waking for a couple of years. I was told I was scaring them unnecessarily and that it was the equivalent of telling horror birth stories to a pregnant mama as she prepared to birth.

I strongly disagree.

Knowing and accepting what IS likely to happen as your baby grows and develops is not a horror story. No one knows how your baby will find sleep in this world but one thing is for sure, they will need you and that is not something you need to fear. Instead of fear, it gives room to mentally, physically and practically prepare. It takes away the element of surprise. It removes the angst of ‘shouldn’t they be sleeping better yet?’, ‘why does my baby still wake?’

A birthing mother doesn’t need to hear every horrific tale of every horrific thing that may or may not happen to her. That does nothing to help her towards her own journey. But it equally does not help to tell her that it will be easy, straight forward and you practically just sneeze and the baby falls out without pain/ discomfort.

A pregnant or new mother does not need to hear every detail of every form of sleep challenges she may or may not face in the years ahead with her child. But she equally doesn’t need to sprint to some arbitrary finish line that someone has told her and think that her child’s night-time needs will magically cease and her sleep will return to that of pre-baby.

Let’s be real. Let’s be honest and let’s give new parents the very best chance to set themselves up with realistic expectations for the early time in their child’s life where they will be needed just as much at night as they are by day. Let’s stop infantilising families and trying to shield them from reality when in fact that is just blind-siding them.

I know this may seem like a pipe dream right now, but voices are rising. Parents and babies of the future deserve better than what is offered up in mainstream society today and a growing group of families in The Beyond Sleep Training Project are developing the evidence- base of what life looks like in a post-sleep training world. Little Sparklers will also be taking this work to effect change on a systemic level to ensure that the supports required to make life with little ones sustainable and rewarding.

When we know better, we can do better and so, for all of those in the know, it’s our turn to share our voice, speak our knowledge and share with all we can the truths of normal infant and toddler sleep.

by Carly Grubb, Founder of The Beyond Sleep Training Project