Crying In Arms: TBSTP Perspective
First, it is essential that we understand that all crying is communication, not manipulation.
Our babies have no other means to communicate with us and as such, their cries need to be honoured, respected and responded to.
This article helps to set the scene if you are wondering about what is meant by crying as communication – http://www.littleheartsbooks.com/2011/11/19/babies-do-not-manipulate-they-communicate/
Now that this is understood, let’s talk about ‘Crying in Arms’.
It’s all about context.
A baby will always be better off crying while supported in the loving arms of their caregivers than crying alone.
BUT
Crying in arms can still be extremely distressing and traumatic for a baby when they are needing something more than to be simply held.
They may need to nurse.
They may need comfort from a different person.
They may need something else.
If you are drawing a line in the sand between what your baby is asking for and what you’re willing to give, when you can give them what they’re asking for, you are making a parent directed change. When making changes, we advocate for a slow, gentle and responsive strategy to making change. Integrating a new caregiver during the day or meal times ahead of at night for example. Providing comfort in a new way, such as a back scratch before attempting to remove another one, such as rocking to sleep.
In an effort to move beyond Sleep Training culture, it is essential to always ask ourselves WHY we are doing something.
What is our aim?
Is our aim realistic and fair?
Is it unavoidable or avoidable?
Necessary or unnecessary?
Something we want to do or something we NEED to do?
With this knowledge in mind, we can then think on our choice and its impact on our baby and family and weigh up the feelings and needs of everyone involved.
IF a change is unavoidably necessary and something we NEED to do, then the next port of call would be to work out the gentlest, most comforting way to achieve what must be achieved to limit and reduce the trauma and distress experienced by our baby, who is quite literally powerless in these moments.
This is the filter we ask all members to run by when considering or being forced to make a change to the way a baby finds comfort or sleep.
There is a very big difference between a baby crying in the loving arms of an alternative carer because their primary carer is in hospital to a baby crying in arms because it has been decided that separating that baby from their carer is going to break their ‘link’ to their caregiver and ‘help’ that baby find sleep with a new caregiver when they are clearly not ready for this to happen.
You may be thinking, how is it different?
Well in some ways they are very much the same.
In each scenario there is every chance there could be be an extremely upset baby who is experiencing significant distress.
BUT
The key difference is that in scenario one, the distress is occurring in an unavoidable context. In the second, the distress is avoidable. Life is hard enough, distress is something our babies will and do experience. We get that. There’s also a reason our baby’s cries hurt out hearts, and that’s because we have evolved to be driven to do what is necessary to protect our babies from harm.
As a group, we advocate for changes to be made slowly, gently and with love, avoiding making changes for change’s sake, and critically reviewing our reasons behind making changes we know will cause distress. PArents may still decide that in their situation, the change is still necessary for their family, and we acknowledge that you are the best person to make that choice, but the idea that babies cry to ‘release stress’ or ‘protest’ and that we don’t need to see it as a communication that they’re not ready is one we don’t suport.
The ‘Crying in Arms’ approach (i.e. making a change based on what you want even if your little one isn’t ready and there are other options available, but letting them cry in your arms) is not in line with the ethos of the group and this article from Evolutionary Parenting does a fabulous job at articulating the issues with this approach.
http://evolutionaryparenting.com/my-problems-with-rie/
There will be times where no matter what we try, your baby will cry.
Sometimes we get it wrong, sometimes there’s nothing we can do (such as when baby is in pain). When nothing is working, then it is of course best for your baby to be crying in the loving arms of a caregiver, leaning on your regulated nervous system to support their own regulation.
I have held my inconsolable babies many times. No amount of boob, rocking, singing, boob, rocking, panadol or soothing has worked in those moments, so we simply cuddle. Sometimes, my husband has taken over to give me a breather so I can return my nervous system to calm. This is an entirely different scenario to making a change based on what we want and then holding baby as they cry about it without trying to comfort them in the way you know they need, or give them what you know they need. It is simply what I/we needed to do to be there for our baby in that moment. We weren’t ‘training’ them and we were not encouraging ‘stress release’. We were just there, attempting to help our little one regulate when they couldn’t stop crying.
Crying fires our nerve endings up and sets our body on edge for a reason.
It makes zero sense from a physiological, anthropological or biological standpoint to consciously decide that at times, you shouldn’t try to soothe your child’s cries.
As your baby becomes a toddler and tears can be more clearly understood, it is very important that tears of anger and frustration and sadness are not ‘silenced’ and sometimes, ‘being there’ IS what is needed, but, soothing your child through their feelings helps them to regulate and once again, if the child still continues to cry, that is okay. Our job isn’t to silence their cries but to be there for them while they cry.
It takes years of consistent co-regulation to develop the skills to self regulate.
This article elaborates on this further-
https://sarahockwell-smith.com/2015/01/13/why-its-ok-to-let-your-baby-or-child-cry-sometimes/
Babies don’t need to be encouraged to cry and they don’t need to be separated from soothing that would work in that moment.
They need to be respected, understood, loved and comforted.
Here’s further reading to explain this group’s stance-
http://evolutionaryparenting.com/my-baby-cries-too/
http://evolutionaryparenting.com/educating-the-experts-lesson-one-crying/
http://veronikarobinson.blogspot.com.au/2007/06/attachment-parents-beware-of-aware.html?m=1
http://theattachedfamily.com/membersonly/?p=1255
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